American Mom has asked me to babysit tonight so that she can go and watch 50 Shades of Grey with two of the Other Mothers. She has waited this long to go and see it because she was worried about bumping into one of the Brats’ cool, young teachers at the cinema on the King’s Road.
She told me she was going to watch Inherent Vice. I know this is untrue because the copy of the Thomas Pynchon novel she bought to support her story is still sitting in its Waterstones bag, buried underneath her Prada tote on the hallway table.
I’m flattered that she cared enough to lie and to go to the extent of buying something other than Tatler in Waterstones. I’m tempted to reassure her that I have no interest in her film choices and distinctly less interest in her erotic preferences, but I think going down that conversational route would be precarious.
Luckily, the Brats are so hyperactive that I don’t have to spend the evening blocking out thoughts of American Mom’s penchant for God knows what. I’m overseeing the Brats’ packing for the school ski trip and they are verging on animalistic in their excitement.
The Small One is oscillating between joy and despair about the upcoming Alpine excursion. On the one hand, he is excited about his first time skiing (the Eldest has assured him that it is ‘sick’), on the other, he is upset that his new girlfriend, Isabella, is not going to be there. Her family are off on a quick Easter jaunt to a private Caribbean island.
The Small One and Isabella have recently taken their relationship up a notch. They exchanged handmade cards on Valentine’s Day. They have twice held hands at break time and when he arrived home earlier, the Small One announced that he is going to marry Isabella.
The Middle One shows me a picture on her iPhone of the Small One and his intended, which she took at the school gates. The Small One looks blissed out and out of his depth. Literally; Isabella is a foot taller than him.
The Eldest manages to cheer the Small One up by letting him try on his brand new Oakley ski goggles. The goggles are the product of a very impressive tantrum in the King’s Road branch of Snow and Rock. I took meticulous notes and have started laying the groundwork with my boyfriend. The plan is to build up to a similar outburst just in time for my birthday next month. A pair of fake Gucci sunglasses (a direct rip-off of American Mom’s favourite pair) may be a bit on the extravagant side, but if I have learnt anything during my time with the Brats, it is to aim high.
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