Grave New World

“Alright Sweetheart, I think it’s time to put your phone away.” “Sweetheart please. Just turn it off.” “Sweetheart, please. Phone away.” “Sweetheart phone.” “SWEET HEART! PUT THE PHONE DOWN!” “Dad. Why are you shouting?” Before I can even open my mouth to state the obvious, my daughter loses all interest in the...

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Sex and fear: What can I do for you?

“What big eyes you’ve got Grandma.” All the better to ogle you with my dear.” “So this red cape, thigh boots and cleavage thing is working for you is it Grandma?” Grandma drools and howls at the moon. If you’ve popped into a costume shop looking for a little something...

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Life’s a beach and then…

If you close your eyes you can almost instantly imagine it. It’s the distant laughter of children, the rhythmic breaking of the waves and the soft hiss of the sea as it retreats across the sand; it’s the gentle rustle of the wind flicking the pages of your novel, it’s...

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Call me a Taxi(dermist)

“Just keep working your finger round inside until you’ve separated its skin from its backbone.” Meesh demonstrates. She deftly screws her finger in between the mouse’s ‘body-sack’ and its skin until the blue of her gloved finger pokes out again, she sports the little mouse cadaver skewered on her finger...

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“TMI”

  TMI (Too Much Information) is one of the few ATIs (Acronymic Text/Tweet Initials) that have made their way into oral English; unlike the mouthful ROTFL, or the unhelpful WTF which took longer to say than the phrase it abbreviated. Now, as many are dying out in the wake of...

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Code Calling

I changed my relationship status on Facebook to, ‘It’s complicated.’ It took me three hours. But my relationship with Social Media is complicated.  My ‘relationship status’ is not the first thing I think of telling someone when I meet them. For a start I’d need to feel I have some...

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It’s in the letting go

There may seem little that’s poignant about the classic riddle, “What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?” But at my age, the answer, “Your mum,” seems filled with pathos. Of course that wasn’t how I felt the first time I heard it. I laughed so hard I nearly...

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No offence, but…

A vicar was booking into a hotel. “I hope,” he said to the concierge, “the porn on the TV is disabled.” “Nah,” replied the man at the desk, “it’s just the normal stuff you filthy pervert.” Now, there’s bound to be a few, maybe some Christians, the ability challenged, people...

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Sam I Ain’t

 “We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks,” tweeted the US President in an astonishingly word perfect justification for Jihad. Not even his chummy use of ‘folks’ could limit the despair of the admission which was rather like the Pope saying, and I...

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Mortar walls than meets the eye

One of the most surprising items I’ve ever found on a hotel bill was, “Wall – £50”. It followed a night in a slightly faded seaside hotel with, perhaps, the most shockingly beautiful woman I had ever talked into spending a night away with me. Sadly, our ‘night of passion’...

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