Delete the elite?

Delete the elite?

Lent is the traditional time to deny yourself your worst habits. I thought I’d give up double entendres; but it’s so hard. I always thought that the easiest thing to give up would be denial itself. But then, I had no idea how deeply in it I was. Turns out...

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Christmas Ghosts

Christmas Ghosts

As this year grinds to an end, you’re not alone in thinking “thank fuck for that.” It is a truth almost universally acknowledged that 2016 has been one of the crappest in recent history. Now, when the media traditionally do their rundowns of the year, all they can show is...

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My Life as an Anarchist

My Life as an Anarchist

Pretty much the only time you see the word “anarchic” it’s coupled with “humour” or “comedy”. Anarchists are the Kardashians of realpolitik. “Aren’t they the ones who drink herbal tea because ‘proper tea’ is theft?” Anarchism has been considered ridiculous for so long, even the name seems out of another...

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It’s a Mad Mad Mad World

It’s a Mad Mad Mad World

All my adult life I’ve smiled wryly as the parking attendant, unable to work out the limits of a yellow signed zone, claims he can’t void the ticket he hasn’t yet issued; I’ve spoken with an exaggerated calm as the fourth tele-engineer in a row asks if I’ve tried turning it “on and off again”, even as...

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Grave New World

“Alright Sweetheart, I think it’s time to put your phone away.” “Sweetheart please. Just turn it off.” “Sweetheart, please. Phone away.” “Sweetheart phone.” “SWEET HEART! PUT THE PHONE DOWN!” “Dad. Why are you shouting?” Before I can even open my mouth to state the obvious, my daughter loses all interest in the...

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Sex and fear: What can I do for you?

“What big eyes you’ve got Grandma.” All the better to ogle you with my dear.” “So this red cape, thigh boots and cleavage thing is working for you is it Grandma?” Grandma drools and howls at the moon. If you’ve popped into a costume shop looking for a little something...

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Life’s a beach and then…

If you close your eyes you can almost instantly imagine it. It’s the distant laughter of children, the rhythmic breaking of the waves and the soft hiss of the sea as it retreats across the sand; it’s the gentle rustle of the wind flicking the pages of your novel, it’s...

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Call me a Taxi(dermist)

“Just keep working your finger round inside until you’ve separated its skin from its backbone.” Meesh demonstrates. She deftly screws her finger in between the mouse’s ‘body-sack’ and its skin until the blue of her gloved finger pokes out again, she sports the little mouse cadaver skewered on her finger...

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“TMI”

  TMI (Too Much Information) is one of the few ATIs (Acronymic Text/Tweet Initials) that have made their way into oral English; unlike the mouthful ROTFL, or the unhelpful WTF which took longer to say than the phrase it abbreviated. Now, as many are dying out in the wake of...

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Code Calling

I changed my relationship status on Facebook to, ‘It’s complicated.’ It took me three hours. But my relationship with Social Media is complicated.  My ‘relationship status’ is not the first thing I think of telling someone when I meet them. For a start I’d need to feel I have some...

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