Past Imperfect, Future tense.

Past Imperfect, Future tense.

“Okay. But you hate the outdoors, your sense of balance could be sponsored by Special Brew, you think the people who do do it are tossers and you’re petrified of water.” I said, encouragingly. “I know, but I’ve got to take a punt…,” Tom said, “out… just once.” Even though...

Read more
Can’t take a joke? Jeez

Can’t take a joke? Jeez

When I was still young enough to be unable to tell the difference between pretension and cool, Tom Stoppard came to give a talk at my university. His slightly RP/Czech fusion drawl made me think of his comparative linguistic knowledge so in the Q&A, my hand went up. Eventually he...

Read more
Post Truth

Post Truth

“I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog.” This is how Charles Tatum, played by Kirk Douglas in Billy Wilder’s noir classic Ace In The Hole (1951), pitched for a job at the Albuquerque Sun. Manufacturing the news...

Read more
‘I Vant To Be Alone’

‘I Vant To Be Alone’

“I VantTo Be Alone” “Alone now, there is nothing but my breath. I scream and that turbulentfury that rages from my mouth, Is silence. In the darkness.” Marius Brill (Aged 14) So, whilst wiry, post-pubescent, me was wondering if Faber & Faber was going to recognise my genius; fat, middle-aged,...

Read more
Ctrl-Z

Ctrl-Z

I’ve done some pretty nasty things in my time. I’ve definitely put the ain’t in Saint and, what’s more, too spineless to admit my own flaws, I constantly lie to myself about it. So in my version of the world, after drunkenly stealing some roadworks diversion signs, and thinking it...

Read more
Noted

Noted

Holidays are over. Back to the grind, school, work, uni, the girl locked in the basement. With summer, lazy days, late rising and endless sunshine, all still fresh in the memory, the misery of the graft is all the more obvious, the contrast more jarring; the post-vacation life is a...

Read more
On/Off

On/Off

Battleship, Earl, Slate, Ash, Dolphin, Overcast, Elephant, Silvery, Smoker’s Lung, it’s easy to forget there used to be innumerable shades of grey. When the Apple Macintosh was launched in 1984 its screen boasted 256 shades of grey. By the time E. L. James’s soft-porn bonkbuster was published, there were only...

Read more
Everyone’s a critic

Everyone’s a critic

No. Literally. Everyone is a critic. Not just personally judgemental, but you, me, we’re all verified published critics, our words heeded by countless others, our opinions disseminated around the world. “Feedback” used to describe the ear piercing noise made when a microphone got too close to a speaker. Now we’re...

Read more
Re:born

Re:born

The leaves are out, the flowers blossoming, spring has not only sprung, its coils are stretched and it’s bloomin’ bouncing like a budding summer’s day. It’s all glorious and we should be enjoying it and though I’m loath to poop a party, I still feel we shouldn’t forget that it’s...

Read more
Democrafatigue

Democrafatigue

  It’s raining. I’m upstairs on the no. 49 to Clapham Junction in a humid breath fug. Two gents are sitting in front of me, “May 3rd. More bloody elections. Might as well move in to the voting booth I’m in there so often.” “Yeah.” “It’s bigger than most flats...

Read more